


please eat.

by charliewritesokay



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Anorexia, Anorexic Gabriel, Fallen Gabriel, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Sam Winchester, Songfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-03 10:10:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14566752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charliewritesokay/pseuds/charliewritesokay
Summary: I know you can only starve so much until you die, there are parts of you already gone that I can never revive. It's not your body that I love, but it's the shell you're inside of, and you're killing it, you're killing it, you're killing it. Please eat.Gabriel is trying and failing to deal with being a fallen archangel and resorts to controlling the only thing he feels he can. Sam tries and fails to save the archangel he may or may not have fallen in love with.





	1. Throne of bones

**Author's Note:**

> I don't mean to glamorize or promote eating disorders at all.
> 
> This is a songfic inspired by nicole dollanganger's please eat. I would recommend listening to it.

Gabriel leaned over the toilet.  
Again.  
He was fine, just needed a second-

  
Sam rushed into the room, worried expression plastered on his face, Gabriel wanted to smooth his furrowed brows out. But at the moment, he was busy throwing up. Wrenching gutsplattering heaves, good thing he hadn't eaten since he'd lost his grace. Though it's caused a dramatic weight loss. His vessel's-well now technically his body, had never had such sharp edges. All his bones poked out, making it hurt to stand or sit or simply exist.

Sam was worried, he could tell. So were Dean and Cas.

It was hard for them to understand that he'd never had to eat before, it had been an occasional indulgence but now he felt no enjoyment and just couldn't be bothered.

It seemed that 4 months without eating was having it's toll on his body, Gabriel mused as he laid his head on the toilet seat, exhausted.

Being sick really wasn't fun. He was catching all sorts of illnesses, Sam said it was because he wasn't eating, that his immune system was weak. Gabriel couldn't care less, he'd get his grace back and then he'd restore his body to it's former glory. He'd be fine, he thought to himself.

Sam caught his body as he fell, fainting for the sixth time that day. Sam was really going to have to make him eat something and soon.

He picked Gabriel up gently, he was lighter than Jess had been- not a good sign. He was scared he'd drop him and not even notice, that's how light he was. His skin was translucent and his golden hair was losing it's shine. It occurred to Sam all of a sudden that Gabriel was dying and if he kept this up, he'd be dead before the year was out. Sam took him up to his own bed, Gabriel had long ago become too cold to sleep on his own, his body was like an ice cube at all times so Sam took it upon himself to keep the fallen angel warm. Placing him down carefully and laying several blankets around him, Sam went down to make chicken noodle soup, a recipe passed down from their mom to Dean to Sam and now to Gabriel.

It had always been used with family, but at this point they'd all died for each other so Sam guessed that Gabriel deserved the title. "Shit!" Sam ended up destroying most of the soup due to his distracted thoughts, it had spilled over, covering the entire stove surface. Sam cursed again and poured the remainder of the soup into a bowl, diluting it with water, he'd be lucky if gabe drank any of it. He had to say "drink", if he said "eat", Gabriel wouldn't touch it.

Sam knew that Gabriel despised being human, and who could blame him? Going from archangel to human with no in between and a shit load of abuse from Asmodeus wasn't easy, he knew that. Sam could tell that Gabriel hated every single thing about being mortal from showering to using the bathroom to emotions to emotions to emotions to emotions to eating and emotions.

But Sam also knew the reason he wasn't eating. Though Gabriel would never admit it, he had a problem, and his problem was control. Humans control very little and under Asmodeus's reign, he had controlled even less. One thing that Gabriel discovered he could control was his eating, and so he did.

Gabriel used to love all kinds of sweets. Now, Sam couldn't get him to eat an apple, much less a piece of cake.

Sam remembered so clearly the moment he realised there was an actual problem that wasn't just going to leave on it's own. It was a week or two after Ketch had brought them Gabriel, he still hadn't said a word to anyone but Sam, and still refused to eat, drink, or do much of anything. He wouldn't leave Sam's side so Sam had Dean go out and buy all sorts of sweet treats, namely chocolate since Sam knew how much he loved it or used to anyway. When Sam tried to feed him however, Gabriel had thrown the candy across the room, offended. He'd then ran to the bathroom and dry heaved. For an hour.

That's when Sam had started worrying, now it was so much worse. If Sam even smelled of food, he'd vomit. It was quickly escalating and Sam had no idea how to fix it. He was dying, Sam could tell.

One day he was going to wake up and not be able warm Gabe's body. One day Gabe wouldn't be able to wrap his arms around Sam and feel the warmth creep through his ice cold veins. One day it would be too late.

  
Sam quit his musings when he heard the ruffling his bed sheets around the corner. He stood up knowing it was only a matter of time until he heard that thump that meant Gabriel had tried to get out of bed and blacked out. He really hoped he could make him swallow some soup.

Ah, there it was.

Sam walked back to his room, stooped down, and picked Gabriel up. He was shivering violently and his shirt slid of his shoulder exposing painfully prominent collarbones.

He'd just bought that shirt, it had fit like a glove two weeks ago. Sam set Gabriel back down on his bed and rummaged through his closet- Ah, there it was!

His Stanford hoodie.

It had always fit him well, so it'd be a dress on Gabriel, but at least it would keep him warm. He slipped it onto his sleeping form, careful not to wake him.           He breathed a sigh of relief when Gabriel's shivers subsided.

He returned to the kitchen, the soup had to be hot if it was going to do him any good. Sam sat at the kitchen table and sighed. He hadn't signed up for this, but neither had Gabriel. He just didn't know how to- how to fix him. He couldn't get his grace back, thanks to Dean who had used it in a spell, and he couldn't make him eat. Sam felt like he was grasping at strings and getting absolutely nowhere.

He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed again before putting the soup in the microwave for a minute and a half. He really shouldn't nuke it, Gabriel needed all the nutrients he could get.

Then again, cold soup would just lower his body temperature further, he'd just have to choose the lesser of the two evils, warmth and half the nutrients.

The microwave beeped, Sam carefully removed the soup, he couldn't afford to spill it again. Taking it to their room, he set it on his desk and gently shook Gabriel's shoulder to wake him up.

"Leave me alone, I'm fine." Gabriel mumbled, voice muffled by the layers of sheets he was under.

"Hey, I brought you soup, it's warm and homemade! Please Gabriel..." Sam started enthusiastically but trailed off when Gabriel just shook his head violently.

"Sam are you crazy?! Homemade soup has twice the calories, are you trying to kill me?" He retorted, appalled.

"Gabriel, really? You haven't eaten anything. ANYTHING. You are going to die if you continue this, okay? You are going to die unless you- just...Just let me help you. Please just let me help you.." At this point Sam was begging.

"Let me die then." Gabriel stubbornly replied.

Sam was beginning to fancy Dean's idea of just taking him to a hospital. As hunters, they rarely employed the use of hospitals, but if Gabriel didn't start eating and soon, then there was no way Sam could save him. The only thing holding him back was the fact that they'd have Gabe connected to an IV. He had become absolutely terrified of any type of needle due to Asmodeus feeding on his grace, so it just wasn't a viable option.

  
Sam climbed up into the bed and laid next to him. He'd become way closer the former archangel than he would have ever thought possible. He couldn't lose him, he needed him.

"Hey, Gabriel?" He whispered.

"What." Gabriel answered, not really sounding as if he cared.

"Remember that time when you tripped Cas 'accidentally' and he fell into Dean's arms?" Sam said with a giggle, turning on his side.

Gabriel smiled and turned to face Sam, "Yeah...that was great. The look on Deano's face. Absolutely priceless." Sam ruffled Gabe's hair and frowned when his hand came back full of hair.

Gabriel watched him and relaxed as Sam kept talking. "Or that time when you snuck a dog into the bunker? I wish we could have kept him, that was unforgettable."

Gabriel laughed and then started coughing, and coughing and coughing until he had to run to the bathroom.

Retching, he ended up vomiting blood, there really wasn't anything else that could come up.

Sam gathered him into his arms as he collapsed, sobbing. "It hurts, it hurts so fucking much." Gabriel whimpered. Sam held him, stroked the hair that fell out with every touch, warmed his cold body, softened his harsh, angular curves that had once been soft and friendly.

It wasn't beautiful or dainty, it was death.

Sam could count all 206 bones in his body, holding his hand was like touching ice.

He couldn't save him, he was watching his best friend die and he couldn't do anything.

Sam held him close and cried into his once healthy gold hair that was now sparse and dull. Was he breathing? Was that a death rattle or the sound of his heart? Why wasn't he hugging Sam back, why wasn't his body warming up anymore? Sam left his dignity behind and just wept, his tears soaking the hoodie that dwarfed an already painfully small Gabriel.

"Please, please eat."

-

He couldn't die like this. He was an archangel of the lord, Heaven's most powerful and deadly weapon. He had to go out in a hail of bullets, not sitting on a throne of bones.

Castiel rarely visited anymore. He couldn't. The last time Gabriel had seen him was over two weeks ago, he'd tried to heal him though Gabriel had protested, saying that he didn't need to be healed.

Castiel had told Sam that he couldn't be healed by anyone but himself, and left. Gabriel could have sworn he'd seen tears in the corners of his eyes.

Dean was clearly shaken. He was always trying to trick Gabriel into eating by hiding high calorie treats in his drinks, the only things he had let himself ingest.

You can't trick the Trickster though, and Gabriel had long ago stopped drinking anything but water. It was safe and clean. He had no need for anything but.

Sam on the other hand...Sam cared the most. Constantly cooking appealing dishes, constantly talking to him, comforting him, doing his very best to help him.

It was killing him, Gabe could tell, and it was killing Gabe that he was the only one who could make it better. If would just eat one bite of anything, Sam would be so happy. So proud. So supportive.

He wanted to, for Sam, but he couldn't. Gabriel felt himself being lifted, was he dead? He couldn't be dead, Sam would blame himself, he couldn't die.

He tried to pinch himself, but couldn't move. He couldn't die, he couldn't die, he couldn't.

-

Sam laid Gabriel's skeletal body on the bed and stared at him. "If only I could make you believe you deserve everything. Every spoon and bite, anything you want to eat." He sighed for what seemed like the thousandth time.

"Because I know you can only starve so much before you die. There's parts of you already gone that I can never revive." Sam leaned down and kissed his forehead.

"It's not your body that I-I love, but it's the shell you're inside of, and you're killing it, you're killing it, Gabriel, you're killing it. Please eat." Sam pleaded, more tears dripping down his face than when he'd discovered Jess on the ceiling, burning like his mother. At least that had been quick.

"Please eat."


	2. Ástvinur mitt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel tries to eat, but is it too late?  
> Memory loss occurs as Dean pops in.  
> Light destiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Train wreck, it's a train wreck.
> 
> Translations:  
> *my darling  
> **my heart  
> ㄱ beloved  
> ㄲ what is his name? This man, who is he?  
> ㄱㄲ Will he hurt you?

Sam sat, hunkered down at the one of the bunker's tables. Reading about anorexia nervosa, oh how the mighty fall indeed.

  
     He never would have imagined a situation like this, last time he'd been researching for Gabriel had been when they'd thought he was a Trickster, back when they were trying to kill him. Sam's stomach rumbled and he glanced at the abandoned bowl of soup he'd brought back down.

  
     No, he couldn't. Sam picked up the spoon and set it back down. It didn't feel right. He'd eat later. Probably.

-

     From across the room, hidden by bookshelves, Gabriel watched Sam stare at the soup, and every bite he didn't take dug into Gabriel's bones sharper than any cold winds ever could. He couldn't let Sam get where he was, it just wasn't an option.

  
     Gabriel waited until Sam nodded off like he always did when researching, and quiet as a mouse, walked up and slid into the seat next to him, taking up Sam's position of staring at the offending bowl, gagging at the smell. It was just soup, he could do this.

For Sam.

  
     Gabriel shakily lifted a spoonful of soup to his lips, but the second the aroma hit his nose at full strength, he was retching, running for the bathroom. Again.

-  
     The sound of Gabriel's suffering brought Sam back to the land of the living, "Gabe? Gabe, what happened, what's wrong?" He murmured, still half asleep as he followed Gabriel's coughing and hacking right on back to the toilet.

  
     "Hey....what happened?" Sam inquired, worry clear in his voice as he rubbed Gabriel's back with strong, warm hands in methodical circles. As soon as Gabriel's heaving subsided, Sam gathered him in his arms.

  
     "Did you try to eat? Is that what's wrong? I noticed the spoon wasn't in the soup bowl." He murmured into Gabe's matted hair.

  
      Gabriel just clutched Sam's shirt and apologised again and again. "I'm so sorry, I tried, I really tried. I'm sorry" Gabriel repeated incessantly.

  
     Sam tilted Gabe's head back and kissed his forehead, "Hey." he said calmly, "I'm so so proud of you. Don't you dare apologise, you're doing so well, _ástin mín."*_ Sam assured him, slipping in a norse endearment as Gabriel had admitted that the language soothed him.

  
     Gabriel just laid in his arms exhausted, but with a small smile, and as his tears faded away, he somehow managed to fall asleep.

      Sam exhaled a sigh of relief, Gabriel rarely had peaceful sleep, but by the looks of things, his rest was uninterrupted for once. Repositioning the smaller man's body to a more comfortable angle, he reached again for the now ice-cold bowl of soup. Sam looked down at it and laughed quietly. Funny how such an ordinary object could instigate such a monumental event.

  
     As Castiel had said, if Gabriel didn't want to be healed, no one would truly be able to heal him. Thank God, Gabe seemed to be finally taking steps to recovery. No word had ever seemed as sweet or pure to Sam as "recovery" had become. Sweet sweet recovery.

-

     Dean hesitated at the door to the bunker, he had unintentionally been spending more and more time with Castiel at his new apartment and consequently, less time with Sam.

  
It really wasn't fair of him, he knew that Sam needed him more than ever right now, but watching the once vibrant and excitable former archangel fade was just too much for him. It terrified Dean that something so powerful could become so weak, and every time he saw Gabriel failing body, he was reminded of his own mortality, his own inevitable downfall.  
  
      Dean squared his shoulders and unlocked the door. Taking a deep breath, he stepped inside. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he gathered his courage. How could he face Sam? He'd basically abandoned him when times had gotten rough, they never did that to each other. Ever.

-

     Sam eyes shot to the bunker door, hands reflexively going for the weapon that he didn't have, now that Gabriel had become his priority, everything else had faded to the background, even hunting.  
A fatal mistake, he realised. If he wanted to protect Gabriel, to keep him safe, he certainly couldn't be unarmed.

  
     Sam let out the breath he hadn't known he was holding as the figure by the door was revealed to be Dean. He hadn't been paying much attention to Dean recently, his primary focus being Gabriel. Come to think of it, he hadn't really seen Dean recently. Huh, weird.

-

     Dean opened his mouth to explain himself , seeing the look of confusion plastered of his brother's face, but was beat to the punch.

-

     "Dean! I'm glad you're here! Gabriel is doing so much better. He actually tried some soup today, that's a huge step in the right direction!" Sam exclaimed, beaming.

    "That's great, Sam. Really. Look, I'm sorry I haven't been here, I know you have a lot on your plate, and it was wrong of me to just leave you to it, we're family." Dean replied in a somber voice, walking over and sitting across from him.  
  
     Sam smile faded a bit, but still shone in a great contrast to his dim surroundings. "Dean, to be honest, I didn't even notice you were gone until you walked through the door. In fact, it may even have been a good thing that you weren't here, with Gabriel taking up a hundred percent of my energy, I would've been a real bitch." He admitted, a bit surprised at Dean's apology.  
"You been having fun with Cas?" He added with an obnoxiously knowing smile.

     "Oh, shut up." Dean snapped, blushing in a way that told Sam everything he needed to know and more.

     Sam rested his head on top of the deep asleep Gabriel's, checking his pulse for what had to be the tenth time since Dean had arrived. "When you go back, tell Cas that Gabe's doing better, I know he's worried." Sam advised.

     "I was thinking I'd sleep here tonight, it's been awhile." Dean awkwardly asserted.

    Sam smiled warmly, "It's okay, Dean, we're fine. You can go on home to your own angel, I can take care of mine just fine."

     "Sam! Me and Cas- we aren't- it's not- I don't-" Dean spluttered, fear and embarrassment evident on his face.

     "Sure Dean, whatever you say." Sam replied, rolling his eyes.  
He began to say something else but closed his as Gabriel started to stir. "Did you sleep well, _hjartað mitt_?"** Sam questioned, looking at him fondly.  
  
     Gabriel starts to reply but stops abruptly when he notices Dean. _"Ástvinur,ㄱ Hvað heitir hans, Maðurinn, ær ir hann? ㄲ_ Gabriel quietly asked, looking back and forth between Sam and Dean. " _Munu hann ógagn yðr_?"ㄱㄲ Gabriel inquired, eyes narrowing as he focused on Dean.

     Sam's mouth gaped open, was this some kind of joke? Suddenly, he remembered something he'd read while learning about Gabriel's condition, it often resulted in loss of memory or even temporary amnesia. He hadn't read about anything quite this severe, but it seemed a very fallible option.

     "Uh-oh." Sam was at a loss for words. "You might wanna leave, Dean. You really should probably just leave." He managed, squinting his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose.

     Now, you have to understand that Dean wanted to stay, really he did, but it seemed like Sam had it under control and Gabriel was looking at him with clear murderous intent, so he listened to his brother for what seemed to be the first time in his life, and left without another word.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me so long to find reliable sources that had the right norse words, honestly it took hours. Next chapter is going to be almost entirely in Norse and I'm sobbing already. I thought about doing enochian because Gabriel is an angel, but I just liked the pagan god aspect of Norse, and since it comforts him, it makes more sense for it to be a language/culture he chose to immerse himself in than one he was born into.  
> Leave a comment if you enjoyed, or offer constructive criticism!

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment if you enjoyed!


End file.
